May You Find Peace

I have made peace with myself, and can no longer in good faith leave or recommend the content I once posted here.  Those writings were my best desperate hopes at the time, when I feared I might be something more that just dressing and was in denial.  The suppression was harmful to me and others I loved in fighting with depression, suicidal ideation and worse risks to try to force things to work in a way that was not meant to be.  As I have researched more about what a transgender person is, and far many more recent scientific studies, I came to recognize who I was.  For a long time I believed that because I had sexual thoughts at all related to being trans it must be sexual; and I struggled viewing myself with only sexual shame.   I have since realized that all humans are sexual regardless of gender, and setting a bar of asexuality is a flawed standard in trying to determine gender because gender is not sexuality; they are different.  When under medication that massively reduced my libido, I was finally able to see fully that my gender had nothing to do with sexual urges and was indeed independent.  Something deeper remained, core to who I am.  I have since come out to those I love, accepted myself, transitioned, and dealt with acceptance and rejection among those who can, worked through shame, and found a supportive therapist, worked to maintain what relationships I can and build new ones, been on hormones for a year and am living a more honest life without shame for being a transgender woman.  My position towards religion has changed as well significantly.

Perhaps your situation is different than mine.  I will not try to say all are like me.  Nor is my love for you conditioned on similarity.  If you maintain a different position, I wish you happiness and that you may find what you seek.  I wish you peace of mind and of heart.  May you find peace.

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